The Chelsea manager has clearly put in the hard yards studying the techniques of Messrs Dalglish and Ferguson
Britain's great gift to the world is undoubtedly sarcasm ? that, and Marmite ? so congratulations to Chelsea's new coach, Andr� Villas-Boas on picking up the lingua franca so quickly, alongside everything else he has had to deal with in his new life: Roman Abramovich, a suddenly wobbly defence, and finding something on TV that isn't Come Dine With Me.
When it was suggested to Villas-Boas on Match Of The Day that Ramires seemed to go down too easily for the penalty which saw the Norwich goalkeeper John Ruddy sent off, he responded, with what I took to be an ironic smile. "Yes, that's right, all our players seem to go down. Others don't go down. It's good to be aware of this difference of opinion."
All right, he lost it a little at the end, but here clearly was a man who, before taking the job at Chelsea, had not only done his homework on the English Premier League, but had also put in the hard yards studying the collected post-match interviews of Messrs Dalglish and Ferguson. Mind you, his compatriot Jos� Mourinho was not averse to giving earnest interviewers the bum's rush, so maybe the biting put-down is yet another area in which our belief that we lead the world is little more than a sad delusion.
This is not a situation we intend to accept meekly here at Screen Break headquarters, where a permanent sneer is the minimum requirement of new recruits, and a ready supply of rainwater is always on hand lest we should see a parade. So, imagine our delight on receiving a call from old friend Will Buckley, former fellow sneerer of this parish, now just doing a spot of sneering in his spare time, with the information that John Fashanu is hosting Deal Or No Deal Nigeria, available here on The Africa Channel on Sky.
I will run that by you one more time; the former Wimbledon striker and co-host of Gladiators is the black Noel Edmonds. This seemed such an open goal that I gave the job to one of my work experience chaps, who reports back that the warmth and humanity of Edmonds that made him such a well- loved figure in the TV world ? quick learner, this lad ? has been largely dropped by Fash in favour of leering at the young women they enlist to carry the suitcases of money.
"Deal Or No Deal is all about glamour," announces our host at the start of the show, "and we couldn't have glamour without our twenty-six beautiful models. Please welcome twenty-six of the most beautiful, gorgeous, wonderful True Love models. Ladies come on down. Hello ladies. Wow, do you see what I mean?"
My keen young trainee also brought to my attention some interesting ads during the show, including one for ChristianMingle.com ? where you can find "God's match for you." "Isn't God rather supposed to be in charge of that sort of thing himself?" the cheeky young scamp asked. "And if not, what did he do before the internet?" You do not want to stifle enthusiasm, but I had to warn him to leave that sort of material to more experienced sneerers.
Still, his sterling work did free me to address more general questions such as; is anyone still watching Daybreak on ITV? I have barely seen the programme since it started but was unfortunate enough to witness half an hour or so on Friday. I assume regular male host Adrian Chiles was taking what folk in broadcasting call, without a trace of irony, "a well-earned break", because a chap called Dan was squiring Christine Bleakley.
After a cursory news bulletin, in which the public health implications of the "obesity epidemic" were illustrated by footage of a woman with a fat behind walking down a street, they showed a funny clip of two cats playing pat-a-cake, a useful public service for anyone not among the 11,468,922 people who have already viewed the sequence on YouTube. (A quick tip for you: if you like watching funny clips of pussy cats and you wish to avoid breakfast television, there are quite a few on the internet.)
Sofa guests John McCririck, Kate Thornton and money expert Martin Lewis then reviewed the newspapers, by which I mean they read out loud the funnies from the Sun, and the lovable racing pundit revealed he had two cats, one called Burlington and the other Bertie.
A story about a planet consisting entirely of diamonds prompted our hosts to read out texts from viewers nominating substances they wished planets could be made of. What I assume were the most entertaining contributions were one asking for a planet made of shoes, and another from a viewer saying she liked the Marvin Gaye record in which the late soul singer declared the world to be just a great big onion.
Note to Villas-Boas, as he continues to assimilate: none of this was meant ironically.
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/blog/2011/aug/29/andre-villas-boas-chelsea-penalty
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